Insults and other hurts.

If you expand into you + someone; what then?

It is hard not to hurt Ian…wish we had a magic salve that took away the sting….

I do think that what you said is correct. 

And Aley has a point, too. 

Well, if you try to hurt or insult me, and that “makes me” feel some way, then I'm living in reaction. 

Ian … this is so perfectly true … your way of saying it is wonderful, Thank You.
So many different poeple have tried to explain this truth many different ways because it is a very hard concept for people to understand. I try to teach it to every client I have and very few of them really truly either understand OR if they understand they then have a very hard time incoporating it into their lifes … because ingrained habits are resistant to change.
Aley … feeling the “hurt” that comes from any type of “attack” is our cue to assure our safety from real possible harm … we need to feel “hurt” (consider those who are born with the rare nerve disorder that leaves them unable to feel pain … they end up damaging themselves cause they can not discern what is harmful to them) Same with emotional “hurt” it serves to let us know when we are under attack. (Although sometime we see something as an attack when it truly isn't or wasn't meant to be.) Some battered women (or men) have become so adept at excusing or justifying an attack upon themselves they fail to remove themselves from harm (emotional and/or physical).

Once we are clear we're being attacked in some way it is up to us to stop the attack and we can then stop the pain … the “hurt”. It's not a “magic salve” but it does truly work once you fully accept how very much we control our own response or reaction (to everything).
Sorry for going on so long …
Much Love & Peace

I opened the comments to thank Ian, and now I have to thank BeLynn as well!!

yesterday, someone hurt me.  It really reallly hurt.  Those old feelings of rejection and loneliness came flooding back.  And after I thought about it some more, I became angry, not so much that this person would choose to hurt me, but moreso that I let him hurt me.  Today it doesn't hurt, nor am I angry about what happened.

when we open ourselves to others, we are vulnerable to such attack.  But, now I think I get it.  The hurt isn't itself bad, it's a warning to us that we need to do something to protect ourselves.  I shall continue to be open and honest with everyone who reaches out to me, and if they hurt me then I know to remove them from my life so they don't do any more harm.  I refuse to live a life defined by my fears.

WOW…I needed this for sure..both from BeLynn and also Stacy..thanks…things are always as they should be…timely and when we need to hear them. My reactions seem to stem from childhood wounds and while I do not choose to be a victim, this is the place I seem to return to in my psyche when I feel attacked and wounded…and i know it is my choice to simply change our reaction…it is something I will work on and know that I am not alone in trying to make this shift in perception!

As a problem solver, I always try to find out the reason “why” and this seems to piss off the people who have created the hurt. I need to realize “why” doesn't matter, I need to just let it go and wish them well. It seems so cold. Ah well….growth….


Thanks for this thread which is most healing.
Aley

I've only ever found one answer to why people hurt each other.  it's because they hurt.  a very wise friend of mine (a real-life friend, believe it or not!) said to me, “hurting people hurt people”  I think she's right.

Thank you again for your wisdom, I will try and implicate this into my life.
take care,
Paul

You see Ian what a wonderful healing space you provided?
friendstacy, yes, you got it! Your friend is right also, people will attack those back who they perceive to be the blame for their hurt AND if they can't attack them back they will attack someone else (which is how innocent people get involved sometimes) Also of course a person who is feeling hurt may be mistaken has to the source of harm … regardless … hurting people hurt people ….well said.
Aley, letting go of the “why” is hard for many of us I used to struggle lots with that one and the old habit can still catch me off guard.

Indeed.

It is all very simple- taking responsibility for our lives means we must learn to see reality simply as it is. And when you see all as it is, responsibility is the only option.

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. Good comment.

Thanks for the wisdom Mr Gardener :)

When I see my children arguing & fighting I teach them that if they hurt the other they are also hurting themselves.  So now when I ask my 13, 11 & 7 year old  “who are you hurting when you hurt the other”, they respond with ~ “myself ”

They get it!

harmonious blessings
angel
xxx

Dear Ian, interesting that you say immunity, can you elaborate on that a bit please? See, as I briefly attempt to explain above, I consider feeling pain to be the motivator for action to remove oneself from possible damage (so … if I were immune to pain I might keep my hand on a hot surface so long that it become damaged). Perhaps you consider emotional pain incapable of inflicting real damage? I will think about this some more and I welcome further discussion.
I think I understand how attachment is behind it all … ultimatly if I detached enough I would no longer care if I burnt my hand off because ultimatly it isn't me.? (maybe a crude way of illustrating this but do you consider this in the right direction?) 
Much Love & Peace

BeLynn, I see hurt and pain as separate.  We feel pain, like when we burn our hand on that stove, or when we are rejected or misunderstood by someone we respect, but we don't have to let it hurt us.

Friendstacy, yeh, we can define things more and less specifically and and also give sparate words for that which hurts emotionally versus physically. I know Ian's initial statement is certainly more directed toward the emotional and not physical (althought the doors left open). What I am doing here is lumping all terms such as (pain, damage, grief, hurt, etc…) into a broad group that would sorta fit under, all that which can damage us in some way (physically or emotionally etc).I know there is a difference but consider the root aspect the same. 
I find when working with people in helping them to understand this concept it is often easier for them to make sense of it if I use a more concrete physical comparison (but maybe I get them confused also due to many considering the two incompatible?)
Much Love & Peace

i don't really distinguish between physical and emotional pain.  but as someone who spent over thirty years in constant chronic pain from very severe endometriosis, I tend to choose metaphors that relate to my experience.  If I could share with you a piece of my emotional pain? 

there were certain things I experienced as a young person, so horrendous, so terrifying, so utterly unacceptable, that I had no memories of these things happening to me.  I didn't even believe in repressed memories, was a firm advocate against such an idea!  When those memories started coming back to me, I let the pain from the past hurt me.  I was immobilized by the overwhelming emotions.  I did absolutely nothing but cry for three days straight.  Then I suddenly realized, hey, I didn't let those things hurt me when they happened, why am I allowing them to hurt me now?  See, the actual pain itself is out of my control, but it is up to me whether I allow it to hurt.